Mom Needs Headgates Too!

As I mentioned in a previous post I enjoyed an interview on the Mormon Channel with Sister Julie B. Beck. Among the thoughts she shared I found great truth when she said, "When your priorities are out of order you lose power over your life."

What are our priorities? I think as women of the covenant and sisters in the great worldwide organization-Relief Society-our priorities are different than the women of the world. The First Presidency has identified several key things that they name as the highest priority. In a letter to the membership of the church they said,

“We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities. However worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely-appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform” (First Presidency letter, Feb. 11, 1999).

We can also recall Elder Oakes counsel of good, better, best to seek the best priorities. I loved Elder Maynes recent conference address where he suggests developing "celestial traditions" for protection to our family. Based on these ideas I developed a list of the most basic priorities that are the most important in my role as wife and mother.

Personal priorities: prayer, scripture study, church attendance, and regular dates with spouse. Ensuring that three family meals are prepared and eaten together, clothes are cleaned, and basic housekeeping is maintained.

Family Priorities: prayer, scripture study, church attendance, Family Home Evening, wholesome family activities, and specific attendance in each organization (Young Women's, Priesthood duties, Primary, Relief Society, etc).

That is a very basic list. I may be missing something obvious. I think most of our lists with be somewhat the same.

A secondary list of priorities would include: fasting, temple attendance, visiting teaching completed, magnify a calling, etc. These are of course very essential.

The juggling of these basic priorities requires order. I think of it as a "House of Order." When these things are not done than disorder and confusion are the results.

What is the power that we will lose out of our life? When our priorities are out of order we will lose the power of the Holy Ghost in our lives. When we have our family priorities in a place we have built for our lives that day a sure foundation. We are so ordered that we are entitled to the ongoing companionship of the Spirit. That ongoing companionship of the Spirit is so vital that it is impossible to navigate successfully through this day and age by ourselves. The Holy Ghost cannot dwell in us when we are house of confusion and disorder. When our lives are lived in a knee-jerk reaction to the demands of outside forces we cannot claim the power of the Holy Ghost that is necessary.

Sister Beck points out that when we have those vital things done in our lives and our family's lives each day than you can live your day calmly and peacefully. You will not be blown to and fro.

We may cause our lives to be unorderly when we focus on self. When we spend time on the computer, gaming, watching TV, shopping, crafting, or reading "brain candy" books without first ensuring that the daily priorities in our family are met we will find ourselves out of order. Of course there are the unexpected times when we can't have a perfect day, but when we focus on having a day filled with keeping our priorities I have found that it is rare indeed to have a day when I feel "out of control."

I think generally we try to stay grounded. I loved Sister Beck's comment though because it says when we do the right things-our priorities-we will be in balance and we will face much less depression and stress. As I see now clearly how to avoid those burnout moments of depression, sadness, anxiety, or being overwhelmed I can see what I need to focus on. I need to fulfill my role as nurturer and I will find peace each day from the constant companionship of the Spirit. The Spirit will cause me to be happy and recognize my self-worth.

As I review the headgate principles and think about developing "celestial traditions" (and not telestial or terrestrial ones in my life or my family's life) I realize that I need to make sure that I close the wrong headgates in my own life also. The wrong headgates will cause me to overlook my priorities, face addictions, and keep me off track. So I can ask myself the same questions I asked about my children's toys. What are my toys that I use in my free time? (Facebook, gaming, reading, etc). Who was the creative one-the toy maker or me? Are we making "little junks" and wasting family resources all in the name of crafting? Are we watching movies that our children are not allowed to watch? Do we read books that contain pornography, but rationalize it because we are married adult women? Perhaps as adults we are "entitled" to things that are children are not? Sister Beck has spoken often on a latter-day philosophy of women believing they are entitled to things. She says we must reject that mentality.

Perhaps we feel we are entitled to "me time?" I have a wise friend who says we don't need "me time" we need "God time." He will heal us and strengthen us in all the ways we need. When we have God time from having established correct order in our homes than the Spirit will teach us what we need. Perhaps we need to go on a walk or read a book. If God is our mentor we will have the Spirit teaching us and telling us when it's time to get back in the battle. The Spirit will teach us when we have been on the computer to long or whether we are wasting our time and need to do something else.

More headgate thoughts. Are we pursuing the internet, book reading, TV time, shopping, crafting with the Spirit? Have we first done our family work for the day and ensured that everything is well ordered? Then with the Spirit directing us we will read the right book for the right amount of time. We will pursue worthwhile art that will bless our family. We will use the internet for a limited time to study or do family history. We will do it at the right time and for the right amount time because the Spirit will be our constant companion.

When we have the power of the Spirit, which comes from correct priorities, we will have that constant guide telling us what to do and how to live our lives. We will learn how to submit. We will have Christ has our 'living center.'

Through the years I have seen women (and many times it has been me!) who are running their lives from one sporting event to the next, one running workout to the next, or one project to the next, one workbook page to the next, etc. etc. Most of them are harried, stressed, tired, and empty. Their life is being controlled by society's demands and expectations.

Again I am grateful for Sister Beck's counsel. Whether we home educate or not we can find balance in our lives by seeking to fulfill our priorities for the day. Again that promised blessing is the ongoing companionship of the Spirit with its great blessing of joy filling our lives!

LDS Resources

Mr. Patriot, Leader (age 8) and I took an unexpected trip back east again this past week.  Mr. Patriot's grandfather died, but he lived to the age of 86 and had a full life.  It was a fast trip and it  involved a lot of driving.  Usually we fly, but this time we drove.  We were gone six nights and three of those nights were spent in the car driving.  Not so fun. 

We were able to enjoy some Church History stops along the way.  Some we could not see due to time restraints and the fact that it was two AM when we were driving by some of them.

Here we are at the Sacred Grove for the second time in six weeks.  I love this place... (Leader apparently was smiling silly).

We were also able to visit Kirtland; what another wonderful place.  I was especially impressed and blessed to stand in the small room above the Newel K. Whitney store where the "School of the Prophets" was held and section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants was revealed (among many other marvelous things).  Below is Thankful Pratt's, wife of Parley P. Pratt, headstone; one of the many courageous women of the Restoration.

I am so very grateful for all the historical sites that the church maintains.  Here is a list of them.  I have been able to see many of them.  I have always been blessed with an out pouring of the Spirit as I've visited these places.  I encourage you to make plans to see them in your lifetime!

I have also been enjoying the Mormon Channel.  There are so many thought-provoking interviews from church leaders.  There are also inspiring stories of many others.  I have also been enjoying the Relief Society History interviews. When I have a chance I'll download a couple that look interesting and then listen do them later during family work time.

As most of you know the church as a new version of a family favorite: Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration.  They have changed 40% of the movie to help reach a non-LDS audience.  You can learn about the changes to the film and other information in this news article.  The movie is available for download on the Mormon Channel and YouTube.  You can access it off of the news article or on this link. We were able to share this as part of a FHE lesson with a part-member family we had over a week and a half a go. They enjoyed it very much.  They had their first missionary discussion at our house last night one hour after we got home! I recommend this to you!

I am grateful for these resources that compliment my scripture study in increasing my faith and personal righteousness.

Headgate Step #2: Require Work

Through Headgates and a variety of other articles and inspiration I know that it is vital for my children to learn to work hard. I have even blogged about it here when I discussed Elder Christofferson's October 2011  2010 conference address.

We require work because our children need to learn to do hard things. They must learn to figure out how they will handle insurmountable tasks. They will need these vital skills to have a world class scholar phase (which will look differently for every youth) and so they can find success in life.

I think we agree we can all agree on that point. Reviewing Headgates and listening to Elder Christofferson's recent talk about receiving divine correction have brought it back to my face that I need to do better with this. We are working, we are cleaning, but I feel strongly that something is amiss. I see several problems.

1. We will run out of things to clean.
2. My children will find it ridiculous to clean "clean" things.
3. I am lazy. (I should move this to spot number one).
4. I don't think that cleaning a toilet is teaching them hard things. It's teaching them that sometimes you don't get to do things you want to do which is a vital lesson, but it's not teaching them how to handle "insurmountable tasks."
5. Seasonal projects like gardening or snow shoveling really are still not teaching them how to handle hard things. Again the vital lesson of your day can't be spent doing everything you want to do is being learned though.
6. Did I mention I am lazy?

About the lazy me part. I need to muster up the battle gear to go at this long term. I am great with short-term projects that need to be pushed through, but it's the long-term ones that I start fading on. For example I've been very dedicated to this work principle this last two months or so, but now that I have cleaned every last thing I can think of three times I'm starting to slack off because it is no longer meaningful. I am finding that I'm assigning one extra job after our morning routine and then giving them way too much free time. I must push through whatever plan I come up with and stay with it until it becomes habit.

So here I am in a quandary. I absolutely believe this is a true principle-my children must work-but I am left with needing to find some different application. (Also because I have more boys than girls). For our family working in the mornings is right for our ebb and flow in life. I have always been naturally a work hard girl in the morning and then have a more relaxed afternoon. What to do about this hard work thing?

I've been praying about this. I appreciated Elder Bednar's talk about remembering that revelation comes line upon line. As I study, ponder, pray and discuss I am finding ideas and these ideas are building on each other. My thoughts have led me to consider all sorts of things. Some of those things have included piano lessons, requiring math, and physical fitness programs. Of course whatever I choose would still include cleaning, gardening, working outside, sewing, service, etc., but I need to throw some things in there that are hard.

I realize I could cause some of them to grow up hating piano or math, but I don't really care if they learn to do hard things. Meaning an ability to work hard through difficult times/projects is more important than if they like the piano and decide to play the piano as an adult. It's a tool.

If I did decide to require, let's say piano lessons, this would necessitate that I have to be there, side by side with them, reminding them and helping them practice. This is where I, in my present state, would fade long term. I recently listened to this 'conversation' with Sister Beck. She required her children to take piano lessons because they did not live on a farm or own a milk cow and she needed something to teach them how to work. They hated it! One daughter said it wasn't until she was 16 that she decided she liked piano. For ten years Sister Beck dragged her to piano lessons. At one point, I'm not clear for how long, they were required to practice for three hours a day! Kudos to Sister Beck is all I can say about that! If you have a chance I encourage to listen to the interview if you are thinking about these things.  There are also other interesting things discussed.

So I don't have any answers yet. I am applying myself, line upon line, searching for my answer. I see a need in my children and I don't believe that I am currently meeting that need. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

So now my friends: What thoughts do you have to these questions?

1. What are your thoughts about children needing to do hard things?
2. What work/things do you require in your home? (Math, soccer, piano, etc).
3. Any other comments would be great.

“Stories That Build Statesman” and a Book Q & A

This past week I purchased the lecture, "Stories That Build Statesman" by Marlene Peterson from the 2010 TJEd Forum in Salt Lake City. I enjoyed listening to it and received several insights that will be helpful for my family. I've decided to share some thoughts from her and from myself. I believe that reading to our children is one of the most important activities we can pursue with our families.

Marlene reminds us that we remember information best if it's in story form. This reminded me of President Monson's talks. He teaches us in stories. She shares that stories connect with our heart and make things real and lasting with us. Marlene states that it is vital we give our children and ourselves a great depth of stories that can last throughout our lives.

I thought it was interesting to learn that Mao removed the stories of the Chinese so they were forced to function in the here and now. In this way he was able to control his people.

She stated that in public school we learn only one story. "If you do well you can graduate and go to a good college, then you'll get a good job and have a good life." In my own personal life I have seen that not only this story told in school, but recognized that another story is told at church/home. I will call it the Plan of Salvation story and it has a different point than the one in public school. I lived through my own confusion of trying to live two separate lives: a church life and a school life. They were incompatible. I have seen while working in the Young Women for many, many years that girls are confused. Should they focus on job and career or should they focus on motherhood and preparing to be a help-meet? What should they do? Who do they please? I believe this is one of the biggest dilemma's facing the young women. Learning what story to believe and focus on is important.

Testbooks are boring because they teach us the information without the stories. There is no heart in it. No way to connect, feel and remember. (This is regardless of the many other reasons I have for dismissing textbooks from my children's life).

Marlene shared that stories help us to know that no matter what trials and hard times come our way in life other people have gone through them and so we can do. I think these stories are especially learned from the scriptures. She tells us that in the last days when "men's hearts will fail" she believes this will in part be from not having stories to help them through those dark days. I add especially not knowing and believing the story of Jesus Christ will cause our hearts to fail.

We need to ask who are the storytellers in our lives and what are they teaching us? We need to make sure that we reject stories that go against our moral values and standards. We don't want their story becoming ours. We need to have stories that teach us about human nature, heroes, courage, truth and love. The old stories were written/told to make us better while many of the stories now are written to entertain us. Many current stories contain half-hearted attempts at a simple moral to appease the parents, but will pass right over the children's heads. These stories are NOT written to make us better.

I believe it is so important that we spend time every day curled up on the couch or in a bed sharing great stories with our children. Start with original fairy tales (not the Disneyfied versions) with great pictures. These will be easy to understand and contain morals. You will be surprised to find how different the "real" version is from the version you think you know. Then move on to classic books that are simply written like "Little House on the Prairie" books. I have always been amazed at what my kids could comprehend. We've read Anne of Green Gables, Heidi, every Narnia, Silas Marner, and many biographies to name just a very few. Please look on my Goodreads lists to see what we have read. Read them the great classics and fill their minds with great thoughts. There are many stories now that I wish I had not told them. I am wiser now.

The classics are wonderful but they are not complete unless you have read the scriptures everyday also. We have a rule in our house: you may not read anything unless you have first read your scriptures for the day. As a family we have read the Book of Mormon over eight times together as well as parts of the Old Testament, and the New Testament, Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price at least twice each. Our children need the Great Story of the Gospel or the "Good News" told to them over and over again. This will fill their hearts and give them courage to face these dark days.

Marlene says that without great stories there will be no warmth for growth. Great statesman will come from well-educated hearts that contain a treasure trove of great stories.

Please share with me your thoughts on these questions:

1. What books do you consider the best in your family? (besides the scriptures)
2. What have been your favorite read-a-louds together?
3. How do you decide what church/doctrinal books to keep?
4. What put you over the edge on getting rid of books that cost a lot of money but you now realize you don't need/shouldn't have to keep anymore? (It always seems harder to get rid of books/movies that I spent money on even if I now know I don't need or shouldn't have them).

Small House Q & A

I have enjoyed everyone's comments about living in smaller houses or at least massively simplifying their lives. There seems to be a growing trend toward this. Very interesting. Crazy For Boys/Heather raised some good questions. What are those things that we think are essential that others have learned are not? For so long there were certain things that I thought were essential in a well ordered house and now I have learned I can live without them! Who knew? I have learned that just because I would call myself a queen at organization it doesn't mean I'm a queen in simplicity. There is a difference. Simplicity is a much grander, fuller life than I ever dreamed and I still see many, many ways that I can improve on.

For this blog post I want everyone's ideas on minimizing/simplicity/order to speak out. Let's all learn together. So here are some questions to get those creative juices going. Please give your answers to one or all of the questions. You may also add a new question too!  (I will do a Q & A on Headgates and books with this same style in a couple of days).

1. What things in your kitchen have you realized you really don't need and you now realize you can live without?
2. What are things in your bathroom that you have realized you don't need and you can live without?
3. Where do you put your food storage?
4. What do you still have left in storage that you can't bear to part with yet?
5. What, if any, Christmas decorations (or other holidays) do you still have?
6. How many wall hangings/decorations/pictures to you have in your house now? How did you choose what to put up?
7. How much clothing/shoes does each family member have?
8. How have you organized your computer/desk area?
9. What do you do with the little junks and paper your children get from primary?
10. How many baby clothes and blankets do you really need?