Mom Needs Headgates Too!

As I mentioned in a previous post I enjoyed an interview on the Mormon Channel with Sister Julie B. Beck. Among the thoughts she shared I found great truth when she said, "When your priorities are out of order you lose power over your life."

What are our priorities? I think as women of the covenant and sisters in the great worldwide organization-Relief Society-our priorities are different than the women of the world. The First Presidency has identified several key things that they name as the highest priority. In a letter to the membership of the church they said,

“We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities. However worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely-appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform” (First Presidency letter, Feb. 11, 1999).

We can also recall Elder Oakes counsel of good, better, best to seek the best priorities. I loved Elder Maynes recent conference address where he suggests developing "celestial traditions" for protection to our family. Based on these ideas I developed a list of the most basic priorities that are the most important in my role as wife and mother.

Personal priorities: prayer, scripture study, church attendance, and regular dates with spouse. Ensuring that three family meals are prepared and eaten together, clothes are cleaned, and basic housekeeping is maintained.

Family Priorities: prayer, scripture study, church attendance, Family Home Evening, wholesome family activities, and specific attendance in each organization (Young Women's, Priesthood duties, Primary, Relief Society, etc).

That is a very basic list. I may be missing something obvious. I think most of our lists with be somewhat the same.

A secondary list of priorities would include: fasting, temple attendance, visiting teaching completed, magnify a calling, etc. These are of course very essential.

The juggling of these basic priorities requires order. I think of it as a "House of Order." When these things are not done than disorder and confusion are the results.

What is the power that we will lose out of our life? When our priorities are out of order we will lose the power of the Holy Ghost in our lives. When we have our family priorities in a place we have built for our lives that day a sure foundation. We are so ordered that we are entitled to the ongoing companionship of the Spirit. That ongoing companionship of the Spirit is so vital that it is impossible to navigate successfully through this day and age by ourselves. The Holy Ghost cannot dwell in us when we are house of confusion and disorder. When our lives are lived in a knee-jerk reaction to the demands of outside forces we cannot claim the power of the Holy Ghost that is necessary.

Sister Beck points out that when we have those vital things done in our lives and our family's lives each day than you can live your day calmly and peacefully. You will not be blown to and fro.

We may cause our lives to be unorderly when we focus on self. When we spend time on the computer, gaming, watching TV, shopping, crafting, or reading "brain candy" books without first ensuring that the daily priorities in our family are met we will find ourselves out of order. Of course there are the unexpected times when we can't have a perfect day, but when we focus on having a day filled with keeping our priorities I have found that it is rare indeed to have a day when I feel "out of control."

I think generally we try to stay grounded. I loved Sister Beck's comment though because it says when we do the right things-our priorities-we will be in balance and we will face much less depression and stress. As I see now clearly how to avoid those burnout moments of depression, sadness, anxiety, or being overwhelmed I can see what I need to focus on. I need to fulfill my role as nurturer and I will find peace each day from the constant companionship of the Spirit. The Spirit will cause me to be happy and recognize my self-worth.

As I review the headgate principles and think about developing "celestial traditions" (and not telestial or terrestrial ones in my life or my family's life) I realize that I need to make sure that I close the wrong headgates in my own life also. The wrong headgates will cause me to overlook my priorities, face addictions, and keep me off track. So I can ask myself the same questions I asked about my children's toys. What are my toys that I use in my free time? (Facebook, gaming, reading, etc). Who was the creative one-the toy maker or me? Are we making "little junks" and wasting family resources all in the name of crafting? Are we watching movies that our children are not allowed to watch? Do we read books that contain pornography, but rationalize it because we are married adult women? Perhaps as adults we are "entitled" to things that are children are not? Sister Beck has spoken often on a latter-day philosophy of women believing they are entitled to things. She says we must reject that mentality.

Perhaps we feel we are entitled to "me time?" I have a wise friend who says we don't need "me time" we need "God time." He will heal us and strengthen us in all the ways we need. When we have God time from having established correct order in our homes than the Spirit will teach us what we need. Perhaps we need to go on a walk or read a book. If God is our mentor we will have the Spirit teaching us and telling us when it's time to get back in the battle. The Spirit will teach us when we have been on the computer to long or whether we are wasting our time and need to do something else.

More headgate thoughts. Are we pursuing the internet, book reading, TV time, shopping, crafting with the Spirit? Have we first done our family work for the day and ensured that everything is well ordered? Then with the Spirit directing us we will read the right book for the right amount of time. We will pursue worthwhile art that will bless our family. We will use the internet for a limited time to study or do family history. We will do it at the right time and for the right amount time because the Spirit will be our constant companion.

When we have the power of the Spirit, which comes from correct priorities, we will have that constant guide telling us what to do and how to live our lives. We will learn how to submit. We will have Christ has our 'living center.'

Through the years I have seen women (and many times it has been me!) who are running their lives from one sporting event to the next, one running workout to the next, or one project to the next, one workbook page to the next, etc. etc. Most of them are harried, stressed, tired, and empty. Their life is being controlled by society's demands and expectations.

Again I am grateful for Sister Beck's counsel. Whether we home educate or not we can find balance in our lives by seeking to fulfill our priorities for the day. Again that promised blessing is the ongoing companionship of the Spirit with its great blessing of joy filling our lives!

“Stories That Build Statesman” and a Book Q & A

This past week I purchased the lecture, "Stories That Build Statesman" by Marlene Peterson from the 2010 TJEd Forum in Salt Lake City. I enjoyed listening to it and received several insights that will be helpful for my family. I've decided to share some thoughts from her and from myself. I believe that reading to our children is one of the most important activities we can pursue with our families.

Marlene reminds us that we remember information best if it's in story form. This reminded me of President Monson's talks. He teaches us in stories. She shares that stories connect with our heart and make things real and lasting with us. Marlene states that it is vital we give our children and ourselves a great depth of stories that can last throughout our lives.

I thought it was interesting to learn that Mao removed the stories of the Chinese so they were forced to function in the here and now. In this way he was able to control his people.

She stated that in public school we learn only one story. "If you do well you can graduate and go to a good college, then you'll get a good job and have a good life." In my own personal life I have seen that not only this story told in school, but recognized that another story is told at church/home. I will call it the Plan of Salvation story and it has a different point than the one in public school. I lived through my own confusion of trying to live two separate lives: a church life and a school life. They were incompatible. I have seen while working in the Young Women for many, many years that girls are confused. Should they focus on job and career or should they focus on motherhood and preparing to be a help-meet? What should they do? Who do they please? I believe this is one of the biggest dilemma's facing the young women. Learning what story to believe and focus on is important.

Testbooks are boring because they teach us the information without the stories. There is no heart in it. No way to connect, feel and remember. (This is regardless of the many other reasons I have for dismissing textbooks from my children's life).

Marlene shared that stories help us to know that no matter what trials and hard times come our way in life other people have gone through them and so we can do. I think these stories are especially learned from the scriptures. She tells us that in the last days when "men's hearts will fail" she believes this will in part be from not having stories to help them through those dark days. I add especially not knowing and believing the story of Jesus Christ will cause our hearts to fail.

We need to ask who are the storytellers in our lives and what are they teaching us? We need to make sure that we reject stories that go against our moral values and standards. We don't want their story becoming ours. We need to have stories that teach us about human nature, heroes, courage, truth and love. The old stories were written/told to make us better while many of the stories now are written to entertain us. Many current stories contain half-hearted attempts at a simple moral to appease the parents, but will pass right over the children's heads. These stories are NOT written to make us better.

I believe it is so important that we spend time every day curled up on the couch or in a bed sharing great stories with our children. Start with original fairy tales (not the Disneyfied versions) with great pictures. These will be easy to understand and contain morals. You will be surprised to find how different the "real" version is from the version you think you know. Then move on to classic books that are simply written like "Little House on the Prairie" books. I have always been amazed at what my kids could comprehend. We've read Anne of Green Gables, Heidi, every Narnia, Silas Marner, and many biographies to name just a very few. Please look on my Goodreads lists to see what we have read. Read them the great classics and fill their minds with great thoughts. There are many stories now that I wish I had not told them. I am wiser now.

The classics are wonderful but they are not complete unless you have read the scriptures everyday also. We have a rule in our house: you may not read anything unless you have first read your scriptures for the day. As a family we have read the Book of Mormon over eight times together as well as parts of the Old Testament, and the New Testament, Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price at least twice each. Our children need the Great Story of the Gospel or the "Good News" told to them over and over again. This will fill their hearts and give them courage to face these dark days.

Marlene says that without great stories there will be no warmth for growth. Great statesman will come from well-educated hearts that contain a treasure trove of great stories.

Please share with me your thoughts on these questions:

1. What books do you consider the best in your family? (besides the scriptures)
2. What have been your favorite read-a-louds together?
3. How do you decide what church/doctrinal books to keep?
4. What put you over the edge on getting rid of books that cost a lot of money but you now realize you don't need/shouldn't have to keep anymore? (It always seems harder to get rid of books/movies that I spent money on even if I now know I don't need or shouldn't have them).